


Brazen Crustacean

by Charley_is_Best_Plant



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Don’t Shoot The Editor, Ferdinand Hates Everyone, Gen, I actually wrote a little bit of this, I hope GA is an appropriate rating, I'm Sorry, Just The Editor, Just like w/ the last fic- I’ve considered using the Undertale Skin for this, Kinda, Not Canon Compliant, Snippers is FULL of rage, The Officers Academy is somehow across from HWSHV, The REAL reason Dimitri wears an eyepatch., There is a little bit of violence, like not at all, shhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:01:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23372128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charley_is_Best_Plant/pseuds/Charley_is_Best_Plant
Summary: A coming of age story. Snippers comes out a brave young crab unafraid of anything.
Relationships: And maybe that’ll make the experience slightly more magical, I’m sure y’all have ships that y’all like, No romance here..., i think?? - Relationship, like Maplekeene or Fitzrain or Hubert/Ferdinand, or whatever - Relationship, so just imagine ur favorite ship is relevant to this story
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Brazen Crustacean

**Author's Note:**

> Notes From the Author  
> Or, a General Summary:
> 
> “Ok so this school and the FE school are gonna be across the street from each other so the characters can interact. Sometimes the students talk to each other. Ferdinand is very jealous of Fitzroy’s magic powers so one day he says “Dude. You’re incredibly stupid. I am Ferdinand von Aegir”.  
> Fitzroy has no idea what incredibly means so he doesn’t take offense. But Snippers is offended for him and plans his revenge.”
> 
> Very in depth. Get ready for some bad writing all around.  
> Bonus points if you can guess which lines are from the Author and which are from me. I’ll give you an imaginary brownie or something.
> 
> Also! Important note: The Firbolg we all know and love is just “????” here.
> 
> The Wattpad version, posted by the Author, can be found here:  
> https://www.wattpad.com/857065132-fitzroy-vs-ferdinand-the-coming-of-age-story-of

Fitzroy Maplecourt walks down the hallway, looking eagerly out of the windows. His eyes shined, reflecting the golden rays of the sun.

“What a lovely day,” he muses, eying the cloudless sky. “Maybe I should go explore a little.” Hieronymous Wiggenstaff’s School for Heroism and Villainy was a “pleasant” place, certainly, but getting a fresh breath of air was one of Fitzroy’s favorite pastimes. 

As he exited the school building, he looked upon the monastery practically across the road. He wasn’t sure how long it had been there- one day, it wasn’t there, and the next, it was! It housed an odd group of students- almost similar to his own classmates, but certainly more odd and extreme. As the doors of the Officers Academy opened, allowing its many students to flood out, Fitzroy dared to wonder: _What are those kids like?_

Across the road, a red-haired young man stood, squinting into the sun. 

_How dare it be so sunny, so offensive to my eyes!_

He stood proudly, hands on his hips. He turned his ire towards the school across the road.

_What a foul institution! Playing both sides, creating unnecessary conflicts. It is a shame._

The next target of his overwhelming disapproval was, of course, the confused half-elf, also across the road. He’s heard of him before, of course.

_“Talented,” they call him. But my abilities far surpass his!_

Fitzroy caught the eye of a student across the street.

_Hey, I think I’ve seen that kid before…_

Ferdinand: “Fitzroy you’re a big dummy. You can never compare to me. I am Ferdinand von Aegir”

Fitzroy: “How dare you!!!”

Almost as if on cue, Argonaut Keene and the great, lovely ????? notice the confrontation. 

Argo: “Hey, loser. Don’t be mean to my friend.”

Fitzroy: *ready to perform tides of chaos on Ferdinand*

?????: *picks him up and carries him away* “Let us be going.”

Fitzroy: “Put me down!”

????: “But we are going.”

Ferdinand: “Run away you little baby! I am Ferdinand von Aegir!”

Snippers in the background: “I shall avenge you Fitzroy!”

After Firbolg and Argo leave Fitzroy to deal with his rage, Snippers waltzes over to him.

Snippers, in crab gurgling: “Ferdinand is the dum dum. Not you!”

Fitzroy: “He is! My tide of chaos would’ve shown him how weak he is. Thanks Snippers”

Fitzroy goes to sleep to ease his anger.

Snippers soliloquy:

“You are amazing Fitzroy. I will make sure that Ferdinand realizes what a loser he is.”

Meanwhile at the Officers Academy

Ferdinand: “Haha. That dumb Fitzroy!” *sips tea*

Hubert: “Ferdinand. You’re the only moron here.”

Ferdinand is too happy to care.

Hubert leaves to deal with Edelgard and Dimitri’s fight.

Ferdinand doesn’t notice the strange crab lurking under the table taking notes on his every move.

After carefully taking notes on Ferdinand’s tea drinking methods, Snippers roams the Officers Academy.

He sees an angry white-haired girl throwing popcorn at a blonde-haired boy, who wielded a box of crackers with pride. They’ve seemed to gather quite an audience. The black haired one is there frowning.

Hubert looks upon the two feuding students with concern. His lips form a rigid frown, until the white-haired woman manages to gain the advantage.

Snippers watches in blissful awe as the white haired girl uses all her strength to get up off the floor and with her fleeting energy throws a single piece of popcorn at the boy. The popcorn glides elegantly across the room. What beautiful projectile motion. It lands gracefully into the blonde Boyd’s left eye. He screams and withers in pain. Red, the color of Snippers, gushes as the popcorn has chosen its new home.

Suddenly, Hubert’s lips curl up, just at the very edge. A mischievous glimmer surfaces in his eye, as he dreams of bloodied violence.

The students rush to the screaming one's side and escort him to the nurse’s office. Snippers, now drenched in koolaid, leaves. He’s seen enough for today. He’ll find the orange tea boy the next day.

The next morning Snippers returns to the Officers Academy just before school starts. In the kitchen he sees a man dressed in yellow with very red eyes. He’s making breakfast but the students already have breakfast. He serves the food in the frying pan and says “After you all have breakfast, have some breakfast” He starts making more breakfast. Snippers is amazed at his madness. While he’s cooking he’s smoking some weird smelling cigarettes. He doesn’t seem down on earth right now. He’s high. After even more breakfast he showers.....and showers.....and showers. His glow increases with each shower.

Snippers is scarred.

Snippers continues wandering around and finds a purple haired girl studying a book about the Fódlan language. She keeps murmuring idioms to herself. Then a girl with brown hair and a hat walks up to her and says “Hey Petra. We’re having a party to celebrate Edelgard’s popcorn victory”

Snippers follows them to the party and takes note of their party habits.

After the party the girls go to Professor Blyeth’s class.

And there in that very class is the disgusting orange haired tea man.

As the students walk out of class, Snippers follows Ferdinand until he’s outside. Then he takes his chance and grabs his foot with his claw. Ferdinand screams in pain but the scream is nothing compared to Dimitri’s. 

“How dare you insult Fitz! He’s not a dummy! He’s smarter than you’ll ever be. You can’t even drink tea correctly”

As Snippers is giving this passionate speech all Ferdinand hears is gargling. 

“That’s where you’ve been, Snippers!” A familiar voice calls out to him from behind. He is cautiously scooped up, brought into a safe haven of rodent bones and blonde hair. 

“Fitz, I found Snippers!” Rainer calls. Snippers sits in her lap contentedly, listening to the sudden pattering of boots in the dirt. Fitzroy and pals run over. He looks worried and like he was just crying. His eyes glisten as he looks upon his crustaceous friend.

“Oh Snippers, I missed you! I thought you unmanifested. I was so sad. I’m glad you’re safe”

This happy reunion is interrupted by Ferdinand and Fitzroy making eye contact.

Fitzroy: “YOU STOLE MY CRAB”

Ferdinand: “I DID NOT. I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR. HE TRIED TO STEAL ME”

*Fitzroy summons tide of chaos spell

*Ferdinand takes out blade

Literally every student from each school is surrounding them.

Hieronymous Wiggenstaff, suddenly: “What is this act of violence. Fitzroy you’ve endangered the life of this crab and for that you are hereby suspended for one month. You’ll be taking classes at the Officers Academy for now”

Fitzroy: “NOOO. It was his fault!”

*aggressive finger pointing that Phoenix Wright himself would be proud of*

Ferdinand: “You incredulous dunce. It’s your fault!”

Seteth, suddenly: “Ferdinand von Aegir your actions disgrace your fellow heirs and you will repent by taking a month-long suspension at the school of heroism and villainy”

Snippers is forced to spend more time at the Officers Academy. He sees Dimitri again. He’s now wearing an eye patch. Rumors have it that the popcorn can’t be removed and is forever embedded in his eye socket. Petra is still trying to figure out idioms. Hubert is just brooding and sometimes out of character crying.

Ferdinand’s catchphrase at the new school actually makes sense since nobody knows him. He keeps drinking tea. The month is excruciatingly slow for the Firbolg and Argo. Ferdinand thinks the Firbolg has recognized his superiority and sleeps on the floor so he can have both beds.

Snippers is experiencing life at the Officers Academy. He’s happy.

**Author's Note:**

> You’re still here? Neat.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed some of this! There were a few inside jokes that are just hard to get across for general public consumption, such as continuously showering Stoner Claude.  
> Oddly enough, this has to do with a completely random AI Dungeon run, which we’ve incorporated into our own little adventure, called “Stone Claude In: Presidential Disaster.” If you want more horrible humor, try it out!
> 
> Also, the author isn’t super familiar with either of these lovely pieces of media (more familiar with 3H than TAZ) so it’s really a wonder any of this happened. I tried to make sure characters were as genuine as possible. Kinda.
> 
> Update: We made a Tumblr! You can find us here: https://you-told-me-to-buy-a-pony.tumblr.com/


End file.
